They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
