Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
