your parents love me but you hate me
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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