Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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