I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
