M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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