Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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