I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
