Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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