i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
