I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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