Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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