we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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