There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
