You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
