i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
