I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
