ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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