You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
COCAINE IS GR8
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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