Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
