wat bout pragnant strippers??
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
