i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
