Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
