ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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