Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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