last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
