Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick