Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
oh good, I think they're gone
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us