last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
