evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
