is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
