How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
