All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
