And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
