Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
