she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize