I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
