Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
