i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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