Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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