he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
