I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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