we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
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how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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