The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
