somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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