He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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