This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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