the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
