Betty ford says i'm here all night
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
