after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
