I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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