It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
