sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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