Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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