Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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