i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
